Good Grief

Emotions have a way of hitting you. Sometimes, they can come all at once, in a ball of fury, ignited right then and there. But other times, they can creep up on you, popping up during the least expected scenarios, months after the flames were already put out. There is no rhyme or reason to these kinds of emotions. Lit initially by pain and betrayal, anger and fear only to be put out by time and a vague sense of understanding. And then, even after time has passed, those emotions have a way of sparking again, only this time it brings up feelings of sadness and depression, envy and loneliness. How do you douse those emotions this time? If time and understanding and distance didn’t do the trick, will anything?

And the worst part about it all? No one else knows the emotions you are feeling. That’s the thing about emotions, they are yours and yours alone. Society tells the world that you should be strong and brave and happy. And when that’s what you’ve been all your life, it’s tough to be anything but that, to let anyone see you sad or scared or hurting. A simple “hey, how are you today” from an acquaintance is not looking for a deep, meaningful answer, it’s expecting a “good, how are you” whether or not that is the truth. So what do you do? You put on a brave face each and every day so that others can’t see that you are grieving inside, and you hope that eventually the "fake it till you make it" story will come true and you will finally begin to heal.

You tell yourself, over and over again, that eventually, someday down the line, these emotions should subside. Maybe the time which has passed merely hasn’t been enough. Maybe there will be a time when a show or song will come on and you won’t envision your life through the words being spoken. Maybe a time will come when you stop thinking so much about others and choose to focus on yourself for a change, in an act of self care. Maybe everything will still turn out the way it all should have. Or maybe you were just meant to be friends all along. Just maybe.

But what does it mean to be friends? You have all these memories and this connection, this bond, with them, but it feels like it's too much and not enough all at once. Is it too much if you text them to hear how their day is going? Is it too much if you still have photos from the good times hanging in your room? Is it too much if you still use the unique words and phrases that you picked up during your time together? Is it too much if you still think about all the trips you want to take together? Is it too much if you call to talk about the weather? Is it too much if you say that you still love them?